How to succeed at not running

Tremendous news from blogger Nutty Cow: she ran her first 5k this weekend. I just about managed to forgive her for running it in under half an hour (which I have only managed once, and then by staring fixedly at the timer while sprinting the last 500m) because she very sweetly said that my last blog post inspired her.

YOU HEAR THAT MUM? I’M A BLOODY INSPIRATION.

If you want to be inspired then you’d better go and read that one, because this is a post about the things that will magically help you to not run. Gone out for a run and suddenly realised you’ve made a terrible mistake? These are my tried and tested steps to wiping the slate clean.

Rolos

How do you eat yours? FUCKING IRRITABLY

Work

Forget your running shorts 
What really helps here is if you’ve gone to all the trouble of getting changed only to discover that there’s absolutely nothing for it but going upstairs and eating a packet of fury Rolos.

Forget your running shorts and sports bra 
As above, except you will probably want to substitute a Snickers and some peanut M&Ms, as your colleague will be giving you the sympacredulous eye of one who cannot believe you are this disorganised but who has witnessed you running in the wild and thinks it’s probably for the best you don’t exhaust yourself that much again.

Eat lunch beforehand
Ideally, you will intend to start eating an hour before going for a run, but actually get around to it 50 minutes before. Finish 40 minutes before you go running. Now, run a mile, and then spend the next four miles whey-faced and nauseous wheezing “But…but I’ve got to keep going, I’ve got a meeting at 2.”

Home

Don’t stretch
Work yourself into such a panic about “dynamic” stretching (should one goosestep?) versus “static” stretching (that study I read said it made you slower WTF) that you completely forget to choose one or the other and fly out of the door like a gazelle fleeing a National Geographic photographer only to slow down after five minutes because your calves feel like someone is hanging off them with an ice pick.

Eat a traditional Friday night supper
There is no better way to completely run out of energy on a Saturday morning run than if you don’t bother with breakfast, and go out with last night’s half-bottle of Portuguese red and some salt and vinegar kettle chips sloshing around your system. This is the best way to ensure you will get to 1.5 miles, stare incredulously at the info on Runkeeper, go “IS THAT ALL? WHAT THE FLYING – ” and then decide that really, you may as well just walk the rest of the 5 miles instead. It will take you 90 minutes. Everyone in Brockwell Park will judge you, even the dogs, but you probably won’t care.

Bash literally any old shit into Runkeeper’s route mapping as long as it snaps to roads and makes a circle
This is a sure fire way to ensure that you will end up having to run up at least one giant hill, which in turn will give you ample opportunity to practise walking, ambling, and using an imaginary protractor to work out the precise angle of the giant hill.

For best results, don’t bother remembering to select your lovingly-crafted route when starting a new run. This will give you the chance to make new friends among the cyclists and runners of south west London when you ask things like, “Is this the Kings Road?” and “Is that the way to Clapham?” in a voice which appears to have climbed several social strata since entering the SW postcode.

Sit in bed
Have you set your alarm for 7am to go for a run only to realise you don’t actually want to go out anymore? Good for you! Get some tea and toast and watch the minutes romp past while you read a book or peer anxiously at the internet. This can also be modified to “an evening you kept free so you could definitely, absolutely go out for a run rather than sit on the sofa watching something you don’t remember TiVo’ing”

Ignore laundry
Let everything pile up until the only sportswear you have left is that risqué shirt from your foray into university rowing which you can’t possibly wear out in public, but are too attached to to throw away (I studied FRENCH. How did I not know that CHATTE, while technically meaning female cat, is also slang for another type of cat.)

*Update!* Not finding your headphones
The internet’s GinBroguesHats also adds the tried and tested, “spending more time working out the playlist than actually running”.

Wishing you every luck in your not-running endeavours. Go team!

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3 thoughts on “How to succeed at not running

  1. Pingback: Cava > Lucozade | Exotic Maypole

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